


Pained

by ailaikannu



Series: Letters From a Shattered Heart [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F, Letters from a shattered heart, falling for your best friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 19:47:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7946818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikannu/pseuds/ailaikannu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The third part of Letters From a Shattered Heart, in which Lexa falls for her best friend, Clarke. In this one, Lexa comes back from college and describes the experience of being back to a place that reminds her so much of Clarke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pained

Whoever you are,

                                I came back from college late last night.

I felt my heart stop in my chest the moment I spotted my driveway from the car. My mum was talking to me and I was unable to answer her questions. The sight of that place was unbearable.  It was painful to know I was back to a place that reminds me so much of Clarke. I don’t know if she’s back yet, I still haven’t seen her and the blinds to her bedroom are still shut. I don’t even know if she will be coming back. It’s weird to be here. A place I’ve called home for such a long time feels foreign right now and it scares me.

My mum said I should go and talk to Clarke’s mother and Aden. I know she’s right, but I fear Clarke might be home and I can’t see her right now, I honestly think I won’t be able to see her for a long time. I’m aware it’ll happen eventually, I’m just not ready. My mum said I need to stop behaving like a child, so now I’m on my way to her house. (I takes me about thirty seconds to get to her front door, but you get what I meant).

I don’t think I’ve ever knocked on this door before.

I still have a key in my bedroom, Clarke thought it was pointless for me to knock. Well, you should consider that my main entrance used to be her bedroom window.

The door swings open and I’m relieved to see Aden. He smiles brightly at me, throwing his arms at my neck.

“Lex !” He’s the only one calling me that, I hate it.

“Hey, bud. How are you ?”

“I’m alright ! Is college treating you well ? Wanna come in ?” He looks at me and gestures for me to lean down. “Clarke’s not here yet.” He whispers.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes, and nod my head slightly. “College is treating me well, no worries. Is your mum home ?”

He nods. “Let me call her for you.”

As I’m waiting for Abby to come down, I look around. The house is the same, but it feels different. Clarke’s paintings are still on the wall. Aden’s first A in a math test is still proudly displayed on the fridge. There’s still the Lion King picture of myself and Clarke on the coffee table. The dent on the glass lamp is still there.

I’ve never felt more like a stranger than I do now.

Abby comes down almost running and hugs me tightly. “Lexa, you look nice.”

“You look good yourself, Abby. How are you ?”

“I’m good. Life without two of my kids feels a bit… Calmer.” She sighs.

I find it difficult to breathe for a second. And now tears do come flowing down my cheeks.

“No, love. Don’t cry. “She says. “I know we haven’t had the chance to talk after that… Thing happened between you and Clarke. I know only what she felt like telling me, and I don’t need to know more. Just know that I love you like if you were mine and nothing is going to change. You’re still part of this family, nothing is ever going to change that. I know it might feel weird, but you’ll always be welcome here.”

“Thank you.” I manage to say. “It’s just… It’s difficult.”

“I know. I promise you it’ll be easier as time passes.”

“Are you sure ?”

“I hope so. For you, for Clarke.” She says. “What you two share is magnificent and I’m pretty sure you’ll fix this as well.”

“I hurt her.”

“Yes.” She agrees. “But she hurt you too. Neither of you did so intentionally, and that’s what matters. You can’t just force your heart to do what you want it to do.”

“Is… Is she coming back ?”

“Yeah, she called and said she’ll be here for dinner.”

“That’s good, I’m sure you’ve missed her.”

We talk for a while before I decide it’s time for me to go back home. I walk to my bedroom and lay on my bed, staring at the window. I still haven’t found the courage to open the blinds, to look at our spot on the roof.

I do open the blinds eventually. It’s night, and I can’t sleep. I am surprised to see Clarke sitting on the roof, wine and cigarettes next to her, crying silently. She has her eyes closed, and her hands are covering her face.

She hears me opening the blinds and turns her head to look at me. She looks surprised to see me. I don’t know why, but I find myself sitting next to her. We’re silent for hours, both crying, and I don’t even know how or when it happened, but I’m holding her hand.

When she gets up to leave, it’s almost dawn. I stay there for a bit more and decide to give her the letter I wrote in response to the one she gave me that night. I place it on her window, like she did back in September. It’s more like a book, rather than a letter.

**_September 3 rd, 2016.          3.29 a.m_ **

_I can’t sleep either._

_I keep thinking about last night on the roof and of how I should have handled it. I think I did you wrong. I think I should have kept it to myself._

_I don’t think I’ve stopped crying for a second._

_I wish I could call you and tell you I’m sorry. I wish I could call you and tell you I was joking. I wish I could go to bed and wake up knowing it was all a dream._

_Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel the way I do. Because it’s unbearable. It makes it hard to breathe. It makes it difficult to sleep. It makes it almost impossible to live. I grew to accept it, though. I just hope one day you’ll accept it too._

_Lexa_

**_September 11 th, 2016           10.21 a.m_ **

_If it helps, I still feel like shit about that night on the roof. Remember when we both hoped we’d find a place like our spot on the roof in University ? I still haven’t found it, but I hope you did._

_I hope you feel better, and I miss you like crazy._

_Lexa_

**_September 13 th, 2016          2.56 p.m_ **

_I just wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you I miss you. I wish I could laugh with you on the roof. I wish I could go back in time and hold my damn tongue._

_Life feels worthless without you._

_Are you well ?_

_How’s life in University ?_

_Have you found some friends there or are you spending all your free time with Raven ?_

_Octavia is doing great. Sometimes she mentions you and apologizes. I feel bad. It shouldn’t be like this._

_Lexa_

**_September 17 th, 2016            4.12 a.m_ **

_I just came back from a party. I drank too much and I can’t.._

_L_

**_September 23 rd, 2016           6.12 p.m_ **

_I just miss you._

_Lexa_

**_October 1 st, 2016                 8.34 p.m_ **

_I fucked up, okay ?_

_I thought having you as a friend wasn’t enough anymore. Now I don’t even have you as a friend and I feel lost. I feel lost because you mean too much to me and now I have nothing. I need you back in my life._

_I need our nights on the roof back. I need our artsy afternoons back. I need our Sunday mornings back._

_I need us back._

_I hope you’re okay._

_Lexa_

**_October 5 th, 2016                 11.58 a.m_ **

_Are you ever going to forgive me ? Because I’m pretty sure I won’t. I ruined everything._

_I started writing these to reply to your letter, and I still haven’t. It’s not your fault, Clarke. I fell for you because you’re a beautiful human being and life sucks. I just couldn’t help it, but… Can you blame me ?_

_I wish I could take it back._

_Too bad I can’t. My damn mouth and your stupid wine._

_Lexa_

**_October 7 th, 2016                  3.21 a.m_ **

_I almost called you today._

_I miss you and I wanted to talk to you. Last night, Anya found me passed out in a garden after a frat party. I know you would have laughed at me for months. I wonder if you’re going crazy as well._

_Lexa_

**_October 20 th, 2016           9.20 p.m_ **

_I miss your art. I miss the face you make when inspiration strikes. I miss how you bite the paintbrush when you think. I miss teasing you about the strikes of paint in your hair and on your clothes. I miss the way you scrunch your nose when something “doesn’t feel right”.  I brought the first proper painting you did for me here. It stings to look at it._

_Lexa_

**_October 25 th, 2016         9.45 p.m_ **

_I’ve lived my whole life with you by my side. What am I supposed to do now ?_

_I hope you’re happier than I am, you don’t deserve to suffer. I’m sorry I put you through this._

_My father texted me this morning, saying he wants to see me. I don’t know what to do about it, right now I’m ignoring him. I’m pretty sure you’d flip if I were to tell you. You’d yell that he’s a worthless piece of shit, like you did that night at your place. You’d probably tell me you want to run him over with your car and I’d laugh like crazy. You’d bring me on the roof and force me to do tequila shots with you until I start pretending I know how to speak Latin. (Do you remember that night ?)_

_Lexa_

**_October 31 st, 2016            7.32 p.m_ **

_Anya is dragging me to a Halloween party tonight. I can’t help but think about the year we almost gave your mother a heart attack by pretending you’d fallen off the roof. I can’t believe we spent almost a hundred dollars on fake blood._

_I miss you._

_I miss us._

_Lexa_

**_November 6 th, 2016          00.11 a.m_ **

_There are so many things I wish I could tell you._

_I miss you._

_And not because I’m in love with you. I miss you because you’re my best friend and life without you…_

_It’s just weird._

_You make everything better._

_Writing doesn’t feel the same anymore. I used to do it on my own even back home, but I knew you were there. Now, the whole writing mood feels different. It’s hard to think that you’re not there anymore, because of a choice I made with my heart and not with my head._

_I remember the first time you got inspired to paint by one of my stories. It was the one about sunsets and songs. We were fifteen, but you told me a few months ago that it’s still your favourite. A part of me is slightly disappointed that I haven’t been able to write anything better in three years. But there’s another part of myself that’s glad about it._

_Lexa_

**_November 18 th, 2016                        5.43 p.m_ **

_I’ll be home in a month._

_I honestly believe it won’t feel like home._

_I’m scared about going back there. Scared it won’t feel the same. Scared I won’t be able to look at your house without cringing. Scared I won’t be able to go visit your mother and brother. Scared I won’t be able to say hi to you._

_I left for college thinking I was going to forget you._

_I don’t think I’ve ever been that stupid._

_Lexa_

**_November 27 th, 2016               1.12 a.m_ **

_I feel a bit desperate about these letters. Might be the fact that you’ll never read them._

_We used to talk a lot before… Before that night. I can’t just forget it._

_I’m trying my best, Clarke._

_Still missing you like crazy._

_Lexa_

**_December 2 nd, 2016                  3.55 p.m_ **

_My father texted me again._

_I’ve been crying for hours, curled up in a ball on my bed._

_I wish you were here._

_Lexa_

**_December 14 th, 2016               4.43 a.m_ **

_Tomorrow._

**_December 15 th, 1.25 p.m_ **

_You’re not home yet._

_I went to see your mother and Aden this morning._

_I promise you it made my heart hurt in a way I didn’t think possible. Your house looked the same, but it felt different to be there. Like I didn’t belong._

_I decided I want you to have these letters, I want you to know I didn’t just leave for college and forgot who you are. Because I want you to know that letting you go has been the biggest mistake of my life and I need us back. I need us back because I can’t even open the blinds and look at the damn roof, I can’t walk inside your house feeling like a stranger, I can’t sit on my bed without remembering of how you almost broke your wrist by jumping on it, I can’t look at the wall and not see all the pictures we hanged there._

_This place has too many memories._

_I thought being in college would help me get over you. Not in the romantic way, but I thought it’d help me understand that there was a life waiting for me there, without you. And I know there is a life for me out there, but I need you to be a part of it. Because you’re everywhere even there._

_I miss you, Clarke._

_I love you_

_Lexa_

It’s 7.20 a.m when I hear someone knocking furiously at my window.


End file.
